Thursday, January 24, 2008

Top 10 things to do with your $600

In my opinion, the best news in months, maybe all year, is President Bush's proposal to boost the enconomy by putting a $600 check in taxpayers' mailboxes. I'm 24-years old and already have paid for 108 senior citizens' social security checks. And even though $600 doesn't hold a candle to the amount of money I have given away, I, for one, will not be looking the proverbial gift horse in the grill, ya know what I mean?

Therefore, I've gone ahead and gotten my hopes up. So, when I get that check, I will be doing one of the following things:

10.) An ABC store shopping spree. What's the only thing better than free money? Free liquor. And lots of it.

9.) Buying a sweet-ass bike. Hey, I live in Carrboro. People here don't drive cars ... they drive you crazy. The most popular method of doing so is by vigorously pedalling a 10-speed in the middle of the freaking road. I figured I owe a couple of these tree huggers.

8.) Fill up my gas tank. In the event I don't go with the bike, might as well have enough gas to tailgate a triathlete. Of course, I'm figuring by the time I see this $600, that's about how much it will cost to fill up my tank.

7.) Move the Florida Marlins to Chapel Hill. I figure with $600, all I'll need to do is trade Hanley Ramirez and Dan Uggla and I'll be ready to go. Stadium? We could play in a parking lot and draw more fans than they do in South Florida.

6.) Buy every bag of Top Ramen in the world. Those things are what, eight cents each? Why would I buy 37 tons of the grossest food in America? Then, I could dump them all in the Atlantic Ocean and never have to smell the rancid odor of chicken Ramen when my roomate chefs up a bag at half-past 2 a.m.

5.) Buy a vial of HGH. I'm fairly certain that this is the only crime in America that the federal government refuses to get you in trouble for. As long as you ain't the guy selling it, then it pretty much looks like you gotta say is "Man, he told me that shot in my ass was vitamin B!"

4.) Get New York Knicks season tickets. For $600 I'm thinking I could get within a reasonable proximity to Isiah Thomas. From there, anything could happen, but most likely he'd do something that would give me at least a 60 percent chance at winning a lawsuit.

3.) Give it to Jon Scheyer. And as soon as he got his greasy palms on it, I'd call the NCAA. Nothing would make me happier than to not have to see that guy's whinning on TV anymore.

2.) Fly to Spokane, Washington. I don't know, every time I see Gonzaga on TV, everyone in the place looks incredibly stoked to be there. Why? I don't know. Guess I need to go and find out.

1.) Use it to pay the $600 that I have a sneaking suspicion I'm gonna owe the federal government next year ...

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